Leave all your money here, please. All of it

LAS VEGAS -- What's the first thing you see when you emerge from that jetway into McCarran International Airport?

Slot machines. Of course.

Now I don't mean like, "Well, it wasn't exactly the first thing I saw -- that was the gate agent's butt -- but it was the first thing I actually noticed." The First Thing I Saw was the slot machines.

And not just one or two, like you see with those video poker machines in convenience stores in Louisiana. Hundreds of slot machines, right there at the gate. Come on, man. Leave some of your money here. What comes to Vegas stays in Vegas, if it came here in your wallet.

(And, I'm guessing, that voice might be exactly why Otis stopped carrying a wallet.)

Anyway ...

I walked. After all, it's just an airport, just like the 60 or so other airports I've trudged through in the last four years, right?

So I trudged. Down in baggage claim, billboards. Huge billboards. Come on, man. Come see our show. Penn & Teller, man; who can resist Penn & Teller? Tickets start at $74.95. Toni Braxton, Rita Rudner, Celine freakin' Dion ... and aren't Celine Dion and Toni Braxton a little young to already be sentenced to Vegas? I thought that's where obsolete performers went to die. I'm certainly not arguing Toni Braxton's obsolescence, but I thought there was an age minimum.

I'm here for business. Have a meeting tomorrow, home Friday morning. I'm not here for fun; I'm not here to drop a huge wad of cash in hopes of becoming really rich. I'm not here to drink myself to death.

I'm staying in a hotel way, way off the Strip. However, as it turns out, if I wanted to have fun, lose a lot of money and look for somebody to be Elisabeth Shue to my Nicolas Cage, I could do so. Right here.

I purposely did very little pre-trip research before this, my first trip to Vegas. So imagine my surprise to discover that my hotel has a casino right here. And a liquor store, right here. Dammit, that voice again: Come on, man; get the fuck off that computer and come downstairs. It's only 11:33 p.m. here, and really, what is time, anyway? Give us some of your money.

Well, my body and my computer think it's 2:34 a.m. I have to be in front of customers tomorrow. I have to be coherent. I have to go to bed.

Tonight, anyway.