We hate luxury SUVs, and here's why
I love my wife. Not just because she's tall, beautiful and the best mother on the planet, but because when she sees something she thinks is stupid, she by God stands up and says so.

I'm relating this story second-hand. I wasn't there. But it's a hell of a story, and it bears re-telling.

We have nothing against pickup trucks, or sport-utility vehicles in general. We understand that some people actually need a pickup truck or an SUV to haul stuff around or go camping or something. We have a minivan, ourselves, just because it makes more sense for us. But if you have actual need for an SUV or a truck, by all means buy one. What we're against in this space is "luxury" SUVs; vehicles that are big just for the sake of being big, vehicles that serve no purpose other than to suck down gas and take up space. Like you're going to take your Cadillac Escalade off-road. And here in Texas, bad weather isn't even really an excuse, considering we get about 5 inches of snow every two years.

Today, The Wife went to the local Large National Chain Hardware Store to pick up some flowers or something. She found herself caught in a slow-moving checkout line, so being the less-than-patient sort that she is, she went to investigate the source of the holdup.

The source of the holdup was a middle-aged man who was buying 70 bags of mulch. The Hardware Store guys started to load the mulch in his vehicle. Middle-Aged Suburban Man stopped them. "Don't put it in the car," he said. "Put it on top of the car."

The "car" in question was a larger-than-life Lincoln Navigator. As anybody with a brain knows, a Lincoln Navigator is just a really pretty rendition of a Ford F-150, slightly re-tuned to ride smoother. It's not a car; it's a truck. I don't care how much money you paid for it, underneath all the leather and stuff, it's a truck.

So, the Hardware Store Guys dutifully began the precarious task of loading 70 bags of much on top of a Lincoln Navigator. This, of course, was too much for The Wife. She looked at the guy and asked him, "Now, why are you putting the stuff on top of the truck when you could put it in the truck? Is that not why you bought a truck?"

"It's my wife's car," Suburban Man grumbled, none too pleased at The Wife's question.

The Wife was still beside herself when she called to relate the story to me. There's more: The Hardware Store Guys made the guy sign a release. I guess it said something along the lines of, "When all this shit falls off the top of your truck and spills all over the highway, we are not responsible for any damage to your $50,000 truck nor any other vehicle, and we are not giving you 70 more bags of mulch." Good for them.

The Wife, still shaking her pretty little head, loaded her flowers and mulch and stuff inside the minivan. Proudly, I might add. I think she spilled a little bit of dirt on purpose.