More from Malaise-ia
That's my new country: Malaise-ia. Professionally, it's where I live right now.

Malaise (n.), 2 : a vague sense of mental or moral ill-being. That according to merriam-webster.com. I can't seem to generate any enthusiasm for my work. Part of it is that I'm fairly sure I'm not performing up to standards; a bigger part is that I don't know what the standards are.

In 1993, my last year in Anytown, I was "promoted" to a newly created position. Newspaper newsrooms are really resistant to anything that's different or that smacks of change. Anybody who takes a newly created position is viewed with suspicion, becuase the new position usually doesn't fit cleanly into the very militaristic newsroom hierarchy. I had this job for 11 frustrating months before bolting, and I vowed I'd never take a newly created position ever again.

I kept that vow for seven years. I'm not even sure what made me think this job would be better. I got a decent raise, but I gave up a four-day work week, so it kind of evened out. I left a position where I used my main talents -- designing pages and making deadlines -- for a position which exploits my greatest weakness: an apparent abject lack of leadership skill. Making it worse, in the Very Militaristic Newsroom Hierarchy, the people who I am supposed to "lead" don't report to me. So they have no incentive to be led by me, which might be fine because I'm not sure I'm particularly interested in leading them.

I've become firmly convinced you're either a creative person or a leader. In many ways, the two skills are mutually exclusive. The truly creative will buck leadership at every opportunity, and good leaders will quash such bucking (except, of course, when it makes them look good). I've worked with good leaders who are creative, but not more creative than me. I've known many people more creative than me, but not one of them would be worth a fart in a leadership position.

So:

Next week, I'm putting all the cards on the table. I've scheduled talks with people in authority to determine whether it's me or the job. If it's me, I can fix me. If it's the job, they'll have to fix the job.

We'll see what happens.