What's in my dressing room?
Was reminded last night of the greatness of thesmokinggun.com. I spent a while late last night browsing here, where contract riders for touring musicians are stashed. Yeah, some of the demands are silly or bizarre, but hey, if you're on the road all the time, it's not like you're buying groceries. Might as well be made to feel at home. And, at some venues, you do have to actually specify that you want hot water in the shower.

It got me to thinking: What would my contract rider demand?

RJ's DRESSING ROOM
PURCHASER will be required to set up ARTIST's dressing room at the venue as follows. This is to be a star dressing room, not a large team locker room. Any deviation from the below will be considered a breach of the contract.

Furnishings required (all items must be clean)
One (1) couch, leather, no less than eight (8) feet in length (black preferred)
One (1) coffee table and three (3) chairs (actual furniture not folding chairs)
Clean toilet and shower, with hot running water
One (1) dozen bath towels, clean, not white
One (1) copy of that day's local newspaper
One (1) copy of that day's USA Today (does not apply to Saturday and Sunday shows)
One (1) copy of that day's New York Times
One (1) hand-rolled cigar, of the highest quality available locally (if it costs less than $20, it's not acceptable)
Broadband internet connection
Unrestricted OUTGOING ONLY phone line (local and long distance calls)

Dressing room food (hot beverages hot, cold beverages cold, please. All packaged items to be opened only by tour personnel)
One (1) gallon Starbucks House Blend coffee (substitute this, and PURCHASER runs the very real risk the show won't go on)
One (1) large vegetable tray, with carrots, cauliflower and broccoli (cut small please!)
One (1) tray hot finger foods (buffalo wings, fried chicken fingers, Southwest rolls)
One (1) package Oreo cookies (regular, not Double Stuf, and sure as hell not Hydrox)
One (1) pint Ben and Jerry's ice cream, Karamel Sutra variety
Six (6) cans Shiner Bock beer (this may require a pre-order, as Shiner Bock is not widely available outside of Texas)
Six (6) cans Dr Pepper
Six (6) bottles of water (Aquafina preferred)
40 lb of ice
One (1) bottle of Advil
One (1) package of Rolaids, cherry flavored

Dinner (to be served after the show)
There are no vegeterians on this tour. The less healthy the food, the better.
Check with tour director before load-in, but expect that a large order from the best local barbecue joint or steak house will be requested. For venues in Texas, Arizona, New Mexico and California, expect to be in constant contact with the best local Mexican restaurant.

Wonder if I can get this at work?