An open letter to contractors

Dear Contractors of the World:

I have deep respect for most of you. My role in this economy is to make enough money to be able to pay you to provide your services to me. You have skills that I lack, and I have come around to being OK with that. Without you, my family would have no air conditioning, no indoor plumbing, and a swimming pool full of green, fetid malodorous swill. I thank you for your work, both in words and in cash (or, sometimes, American Express.)

But: The fact that you have skills that I lack does not give you license to steal money from me. At least not anymore.

So: Please note below the conditions under which from this point you will be allowed the privilege to work in my house and profit from its imperfections and our lack of ability/desire to maintain it ourselves. If you meet these conditions, you also get the privilege of speaking to my wife, who handles all the financial matters in the house and is usually good for a few one-liners. (She's also really hot, so keep that in mind. It's not often in our neighborhood you run into a woman who's attractive and pleasant to be around).

Everything is in writing. Everything. There will be itemized statements of work, and if we opt to not have a particular item completed, we will not pay for it.

Your time is valuable. So is our money. Payment terms will be as follows: No more than 40 percent upon signing the above-mentioned statement of work. Final payment will not be provided until we are completely satisfied that the work has been done to its completion. Your need to pay your subcontractors or suppliers is not our problem until such time as said subcontractors have finished their work. That is what in the real world is known as "the cost of doing business," and said cost is borne by the business person, not by us. We're not business people. You are.

We're big fans of helping out the little guy. We'd rather have a talented individual or small company handle a task than, say, Lowe's or Home Depot. But: We'll treat you the same way we'd treat them. You will be accountable for completing the work on time and within budget, and if you don't, we'll find someone who does.

We will be reasonable in setting a schedule for the completion of the project. We realize we aren't your only customer. (At least, we hope we're not.) We do expect that schedule to be met, short of extremely extenuating circumstances.

If you are responsible for obtaining the materials for our job, you are responsible for ensuring said materials are of sufficient quality at the time at which they are obtained, not 20 minutes before you are to start our job. Further, if it turns out you obtained crappy materials, and it will cost you more money to obtain non-crappy materials, that is also not our problem. If you're willing to lose a $15,000 job over a few hundred dollars, we're willing to take the job from you.

Did we mention everything will be in writing? If you say it will cost $6 a square foot to lay tile floor, that means $6 a square foot, not $6.01. Or $7. Or "oops, that doesn't include taking the old floor away." It is your responsibility to figure your profit before you present us a quote, not after.

Final decision about whether we like the work lies with us, particularly The Wife. If she's not satisfied, we're not paying. She's the person to whom you need to be nice, not me. I couldn't tell you within $500 how much we have in our checking account at any given moment. She controls whether you get paid, and if she likes you, she might contract with you for extra work (which means more money for you.) Me, well, I hate you. I hate you because you can do things I can't do, and because, by default, I think you're stealing my money until proven otherwise. You'll never win me over. Don't talk to me. Talk to her.

Thank you again for sharing your skills with us and for allowing us a place to put some of this excess cash that we would otherwise waste on food or toys or something.

Sincerely,

RJ